I lost one of the most special people in my life. I lost my oldest and dearest best friend. My confidant. My go to for advice and my one true kindred spirit. I hid nothing from my Grams. I loved her dearly. She lived in California so I never saw her but I talked to her alot. Not as much lately as in the past, but she understood and when we did talk we took advantage of it.
I will never forget the phone call a few days prior to that day. My phone was acting up and I called mom to see if she had been calling me. I had just so happened to check my voice mails (which I never do) and I had two "urgent" voice mails to call her. She sounded panicked and her voice was cracking. I was cleaning up my house and when she answered, I happened to be walking into my bedroom. She said "Gerry called me" and I immediately knew. It was like the wind had been instantly sucked out of my lungs. I couldn't breathe and everything started spinning. I remember hitting the floor on my knees and shaking. I could harldy hold the phone. I knew this day was coming. I knew it would happen, she was older and she was very sick. I thought I had prepared myself. I was nowhere near ready to deal with it.
I cried hysterically all day. I was home alone and my husband was unreachable at work. I walked across the street to my best friends house and sat over there and cried. Alot. I then proceeded to spend the rest of the day on the couch, curled up in my favorite blanket, bawling all day. I had sent my husband a text message so he knew when he got home. He sat on the couch with me, held me, watched tv, and let me cry. He never said a word. He didn't have to.
Grams had a massive heart attack the night before. Nobody called me Saturday night when it happened because they knew I was at a friends house watching the hogs game. Looking back, probably a really good call on their part. She went for more than 10 minutes without oxygen to her brain. She had been placed on life support and she was functioning at 5%. Mom flew out monday morning to be there with Gerry and Grams.
The next morning, I broke down in the middle of class. It was humiliating. Luckily I have some really great girls in class with me and they were amazing. They had nothing but kind words to say and it truly helped. That night mom called me. She told me the doctors said there was no hope. If she did happen to come out of the coma, she would be a vegetable. Gerry and mom made the choice to remove the life support. She let me say my goodbye to Grams over the phone. It was the hardest thing ever. I have never felt so empty and mad and upset and miserable in my life. I lost it all over again. I mean truly lost it. I felt as though my world was crashing down and the one person that I always went to when that happened was Grams.
She died the next day two minutes after they removed her life support. She had been gone since Saturday. I have been an emotional roller coaster. Derek took her picture in the living room and hid it from me immediately. I couldn't see her without becoming hysterical. I have gotten better. This week I have managed to go more than a day without crying. Today is three weeks since the heart attack. Today I put her picture back out. My heart still hurts and I truly believe that this is a loss that I will grieve forever.
No amount of time will heal the void in my heart. But it is getting easier to put my best face forward and smile on the outside. Derek has been truly amazing. I don't know that I could do this without him.
I love you Grams and I miss you so incredibly much. I am, and will forever be, your Kid.
Song in my head:
Grace by Kate Havenik
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